I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
