The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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