The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
