I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
