My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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