so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
