Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
