One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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