Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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