Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
