I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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