I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
