I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I have so many feelings about this burrito
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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