Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
