i'm signing you up for texting rehab
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Bang-toberfest begins!!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
