Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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