I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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