I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
