You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
