I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
