peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
