Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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