OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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