That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
