I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
