I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
