OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
