The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
