Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
