i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
