I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You dont lie about slip and slides
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
