I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Randomize
