So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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