i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
