I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
