I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
