Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
