I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
