Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
me + whiskey = a bad person
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
