So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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