she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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