i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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