The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
