I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
