I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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