Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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