I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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