This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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