i need an iv and a liver transplant
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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