when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
